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Green Feelings
yumiko_okahawa WRITING Journal
Kamen /// Fourth Feeling: Abandonment 
11th-Oct-2009 04:04 am
Aibu lonely


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Title:
Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings...
How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course. 

I figured I should post it up now. I know, I am quite quick this time. Better don't get used to it.
I just won't have internet for the next week, I guess, that's why I've wanted to have this posted before the week starts.
So, here it is.

One word for this: Bittersweet.


A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.


Previous Chapters:

Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit


 

Fourth Feeling: Abandonment


Jin wouldn’t ever find out, Kazuya figured.

If he didn’t tell Jin, he’d never find out about that kiss. Only Uchi and Kazuya knew it and Uchi had no connections to Jin, so he wouldn’t tell him for sure.

Uchi didn’t know, Jin was Kazuya’s boyfriend, so there was no possible harm in that.

He had told Kazuya to forget about it and when he had returned into the bar, everything had been back to normal. Kazuya had taken care of Tegoshi, since Murakami had let him drink too much for his own good and Yokoyama and Uchi had been in a conversation.

No one would have even thought something had happened between Uchi and him.

But Kazuya hadn’t talked to Uchi at all again that evening. He believed the other one had been hurt, since there had been feelings involved in that kiss.

Kazuya couldn’t image those feelings anymore, since he didn’t feel them anymore, they’d just been turned on by his doubts of Jin’s love.

He sighed and looked at Jin.

They barely had breakfast together, but now that Kazuya had finished Dream Boys he had few days off, before band activities would start again.

Jin would have a photo shooting sometime later that day and Kazuya planned to just stay here and be lazy.

Jin had called him every evening after Kazuya had showed up that unexpected last week, worrying for him and telling him to come home immediately when he’d return from Osaka.

They’ve just had three more shows after that, so it would not have been that long, however, but Kazuya had felt so insecure of himself, of Jin’s love and of what was between them, that he had had to see Jin that night.

He had left early in the morning, not ready to let go of Jin at all; so they had ended up kissing at the door for what had felt like hours and Kazuya had barely made it to his train. After he had returned from Osaka completely yesterday evening, he had come to Jin’s straight away.

Home, Kazuya thought now, Jin had told him to come home; to him.

But it had reassured him a lot. Now, he was sure that kiss between him and Uchi really hadn’t meant anything at all.
He and Jin were fine, they loved each other and Jin actually cared a lot for Kazuya.

He knew, Jin just wasn’t always able to show it off that well. Jin had always been bad at showing his feelings and he had improved a lot since he had started this relationship with Kazuya.

Still, Jin couldn’t show his feelings to anyone, but he could open up to Kazuya and could talk about his feelings to him.

That alone was a sign, Kazuya meant a lot to him.

To doubt that, to ignore Jin’s feelings like that; Kazuya’s behaviour had been unforgivable.

But, he thought now and watched Jin eating some rice while reading a paper, he would really just forget about it, as Uchi had told him.

“Ryo told me, he met you in Osaka”, Jin said then, as he looked up from the paper, sipping at his coffee.

Kazuya nodded. “Yeah, we had a party after the last show.” This felt natural, having breakfast together and talking about superficial things. They hadn’t managed to talk at all the night before. As soon as Kazuya had been through the door, they had been holding and kissing each other, only mumbling words of affection and how much they had missed each other.

After that there hadn’t been any need for words.

“And you behaved as always, looking out for the kids.”

Grinning, Kazuya took another slice of peach. He had brought some from Osaka. “There was only Tegoshi younger than me, so I didn’t have much to do.”

“Uchi-kun wasn’t there?”

Kazuya’s heart skipped a beat and he chocked and started to cough.

Jin got up to lightly pat Kazuya’s back. “Are you okay?”

Nodding, the younger one looked up at Jin, who leaned over him now. He’d be like this forever, Kazuya realized now. Whenever Jin would just even say Uchi’s name, Kazuya would panic. “Sorry. I just choked on that peach.”

Jin placed a kiss to Kazuya’s head before he sat again. “You’re too kind, Kazuya. You should just have let them make Tegoshi drunk and do stupid things.”

Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “He’s nice; I didn’t want him to feel bad the next day.”

Jin sighed. “Too nice.”

Still coughing a little, Kazuya smiled at him. “That’s why you love me.”

“I had to have some reason to.”

“Because I’m nice and pretty and funny and caring and…”

“… good in bed”, Jin finished the sentence. “I pretty much got it.”

Kazuya grinned. “I love you, too.”

Jin laughed and emptied his cup, then he got up. He started to get his dishes over to the sink.

“Leave it, Jin. I’ll take care of it.”

Jin put them down into the sink, then washed his hands and turned back to the table.

Kazuya had gripped his paper and was reading the economy part now, the cup of tea in his hand.

Jin leaned in and kissed Kazuya’s forehead. “I need to leave.”

Kazuya raised his head, let Jin kiss his lips. “Take care.”

“Hm”, Jin just answered before he kissed him again, longer this time. “I’m glad you’re back, Kazuya.”

“Only because I’ll do the wash up for you”, Kazuya murmured and titled his head, licking Jin’s lip.

“That’s a nice bonus.” Jin cupped the younger one’s cheek and made him look into Jin’s eyes. “I really missed you around.”

Kazuya smiled, nodded. This was what made it so obvious Jin loved him. He wouldn’t ever say something like that to anyone else. He would only talk like this to Kazuya. “I’ll be here when you come back.”

Jin drew back and got over to the door, looking at Kazuya once more. “You’ll better be.”

 

“Honestly, days off are the best.” Ryo leaned back in his chair and stretched himself. “I slept until noon and after I had lunch with you I will go shopping.”

“You have quite some plans, I see”, Jin answered as he pulled his jacket off of his shoulders. “I’ll be off for the rest of the day, too.”

“So, join me?”

Jin nodded. “It’s been a while since we’ve been shopping together.”

He’d enjoy the day with Ryo, Jin decided. Since Kazuya had sent him a message that he’d be taking a job this afternoon, Jin was free however.

His manager had told him earlier that they would ask Kazuya to come to one of the TV studios for a live show.

Jin had been close by for that shooting however, but, he thought now and felt a slightly bitter taste in his mouth, Kazuya suited the whole thing better.

They had wanted the younger one, had turned the offer of their manager to let Jin do the job down.

It was hard to admit, but it pissed Jin off. Kazuya was always preferred.

However, Kazuya would be there until evening, so Jin would spend the day with Ryo.

A waiter brought their food and Ryo started to eat quite quickly. “I’ve been starving.”

Jin laughed and ate; it didn’t take them too long to get into a conversation about various things.

“From tomorrow I will have all that work again, because of the new Single.” Ryo drank his water. “We’ll start in Osaka; it’s quite nice to go back.”

“It’ll be boring here without you”, Jin said, and meant it. He liked hanging out with Ryo.

The younger one shrugged his shoulders. “You’ll have Yamapi.”

“He’s having the concert and stuff; he’ll be busy, too.”

“In that case, get yourself some friends, Jin.”

Jin laughed and finished his meal, just in that moment Ryo’s mobile started to ring.

“Sorry”, Ryo said as he checked the caller ID. “I’ll have to take that one.”

Jin just nodded and took his glass. “It’s fine, go ahead.”

“Hey”, Ryo answered the call. “Are you alright?”

Jin silently watched Ryo’s expression. It had been normal, but now he narrowed his brows and his lips parted slightly.

“It’s okay, calm down. What’s wrong?”

Curious, Jin listened to what Ryo said and stole a piece of chicken from his plate. Ryo didn’t even bother. Usually, he would stop Jin from do so--- even if he’d had both hands tied up.

“You met him? Today?” Ryo bit his lower lip. “I know; you couldn’t know he’d be there.”

Jin frowned and wondered whom Ryo was talking to. It remained silent for quite a while, then Ryo finally spoke up again: “I guess he completely turned you down.”

Jin finished Ryo’s chicken in the meanwhile. It sounded like love problems to him.

“Okay, come on, now. You couldn’t know he’d have one.” Ryo nodded, made some agreeing sounds. “I’ll be there. Take your time, okay?”

He hung up and gave Jin an apologetic look. “I guess we can’t hang out together.”

“You’ll have to meet that person?”, Jin asked. “Who was it?”

Ryo bit his lip and titled his head. “I’m not quite sure if I should tell you this.”

Jin just frowned at him.

“You’re working with him after all; I don’t want you to say anything to him.”

“To whom?”

“To Kamenashi-kun”, Ryo said.

Now, Jin was puzzled. “Kazuya just called you? That was Kame?”

Ryo shook his head. “It was Uchi.”

“Uchi is here?”

Ryo nodded. “He was recording some TV programs today. And apparently he met Kamenashi in the studios.”

Jin couldn’t quite grab what was odd or even bad about that. “I always thought they’d get along well; so what’s Uchi’s problem?”

Sighing, the black-haired put his plate and glass together. “They probably get along a bit too well, Jin.”

For a moment, Jin could just stare.

“I don’t know how good you are with Kamenashi, but apparently, he’s, well…” Ryo searched for words. “… that way.”

That way?” Jin snorted. “You spent too much time with your Osaka guys.”

“However”, Ryo said. “Uchi had found some likings in him and as they met in Osaka, it seemed Kamenashi-kun would like him the same way.”

“But he turned Uchi down”, Jin concluded. Of course, Kazuya would, after all he was in a relationship. It must have been awkward for him, Jin thought now and felt pity for Kazuya.

“Well, just after he had kissed Uchi.” Ryo shook his head. “I really don’t get that.”

Jin felt all blood from his face rushing down to his feet. His lips felt numb, his fingers cold. “He did what?”

Ryo shrugged his shoulders. “They had a nice evening, apparently, and when they were all alone outside that bar, Uchi told me, Kamenashi had kissed him suddenly.”

“Kazuya kissed Uchi?” Jin had heard it pretty well, but he still hoped Ryo would answer him he got it all wrong.

“Right.”

Something in Jin broke in that moment. That wasn’t true. “When?”

Ryo frowned at him, then noticed Jin was pale and completely in shock. “I didn’t think you’d take it that bad, Jin.”

“When, Ryo?”

“I don’t know, after their first week in Osaka, apparently. Why is that important?”

That’s why he had been that desperate, Jin thought. He had come to Jin after he had kissed Uchi. He had kissed Uchi, had betrayed Jin, had broken his trust, and then had returned to him, kissing Jin again. Telling him he had missed him.

It had all been a lie.

Ryo shook his head. “Don’t tell me you have a crush on him, too. He’s not all that special”, he said and got up, getting out some money. “I really don’t get you guys.”

Not all that special, Jin thought and stared at Ryo. But Kazuya had always been so very special to him, like no one else. “He is”, Jin just answered and swallowed thickly. “I didn’t think he’d do something like that.”

Ryo patted his shoulder; not entirely understanding why Jin was that shocked his friend would behave like that. “He would”, the black-haired said then. “You guys are friends and you’re working together, that’s it. Really Jin, his love life isn’t anything that should concern you.”

Jin managed a sardonic laugh and nodded.

He didn’t answer anymore.

 

Shortly after Jin had left, they had called in to ask Kazuya for a job that afternoon.

It was just a quick appearance in a live TV program, saying some words, being present and smile. That shouldn’t be too difficult, Kazuya figured.

He’d be back in the evening. Jin had texted him he’d meet with Ryo, so Kazuya would be back before Jin most likely, though.

Drinking some water, he made his way to the backstage rooms to wait for his time to get into the studio. He’d just join the team in a about half an hour, so Kazuya decided, he could get some things done in the meanwhile.

“Good work, today”, he heard some people say as the doors to another studio opened and a lot of staff people came out, followed by the hosts of the show and then another person.

Kazuya could only stare at Uchi, unable to move and hide or just turn away. He came into Kazuya’s direction and within seconds it was too late.

Uchi spotted him, stared at him and stopped.

“Ah, Kamenashi-san”, someone of the team said and greeted him. Kazuya pretended a smile, nodded and talked for a bit then the person left and all of a sudden, he and Uchi stood all alone in the corridor.

“Nice to see you”, Kazuya said and forced a smile.

Uchi nodded. “Yeah. It’s been a while.”

It remained silent between them.

“I didn’t think I’d meet you here”, Uchi said then.

“I got called in this morning. They have a love show airing in studio seven.”

“Ah, I heard about that.” Uchi nodded and bit his lip then, deciding to make the first step. He had to go past Kazuya to get to the backstage area.

“I need to go backstage, too”, Kazuya said as he noticed Uchi coming over. “Did you see the game this weekend? Hanshin Tigers won.”

“Hm”, Uchi agreed. “It was a good game.”

They walked in silence, then Kazuya pulled all of his courage together and tugged Uchi into a room, closing the door behind them.

Uchi stared at him; Kazuya would have even considered it as terrified.

“Listen, Uchi.” He swallowed and licked his lips, since they felt so dry. “I’m very sorry for what happened.”

“You are in a relationship, I got it”, Uchi answered, taking more distance between them.

“And it was a mistake to kiss you. I should not have done that.”

“Because your lover would hate you if he’d find out.”

Kazuya didn’t really notice the emptiness in Uchi’s voice. “I betrayed him with that kiss. He’d be hurt if he ever found out.”

Uchi swallowed thickly, then he managed to look at Kazuya directly. “I told you we’d forget about it.”

Kazuya nodded. “It really didn’t mean anything.”

“That doesn’t make it easier for me, Kamenashi.”

Now, Kazuya looked up and for the first time, he realized that it was not only about Jin and him. Uchi was involved in this just as much.

“Unlike you, a kiss means something to me. I don’t just kiss people without having feelings for them.” Uchi avoided Kazuya’s gaze.

Biting his lip, Kazuya lowered his head. It must have seemed like that. “That’s not what it is like. I don’t randomly kiss people.”

“Why did you kiss me then? You must have noticed I felt something for you, Kame.”

Kazuya nodded. “I did, that’s why I kissed you. You are nice and I like you.”

“But you don’t like me the way I like you, I guess”, Uchi said quietly.

It was difficult, but Kazuya managed a nod. “Because I’m in love with someone else.”

“If you’d love him that much, you shouldn’t kiss other people just because they are nice”, Uchi said coldly. “It hurts.”

Kazuya knew he was so damn right. It had been a huge mistake and he didn’t even have an apology, an explanation. “I’m sorry.”

Uchi nodded, then he made his way to the door. “You can’t love that person all that much if you forget about him that easily. Think about that, Kame.”

He let Uchi go, didn’t tell him that he was wrong. Of course he loved Jin; enough to regret what happened with Uchi and to live in the knowledge he had hurt Uchi badly.

His mind told him to go after Uchi and somehow make him feel better, make up. That was his nature; he always tried to do the best for everyone. But his heart told him to stay and leave it the way it was; for Jin’s sake.

For their love’s sake.

 

Kazuya didn’t go home straight.

He decided to do some grocery shopping first. If Jin would come home later, he’d be happy to find Kazuya cooking for him.

He had never said it, but Kazuya knew Jin thought it was sexy when Kazuya cooked for him. Also, he felt like doing something for Jin, since that encounter with Uchi had made him feel worse again.

Kazuya wanted to make up with Uchi, go back to that state where they got along so well. Like this it would be awkward between them for forever.

It made him a little sad, since he really like Uchi, but his priority was Jin and if any contact to Uchi would harm his and Jin’s love, he was ready to take it and act against his instincts and remorse.

He got back to his car, put the bags with grocery to the passenger seat and drove back to Jin’s apartment then.

He had his own keys at his chain, together with his car key, the one for his mail box and the key for his parent’s home. There was another small key for Ran’s and Jelly’s cages.

The key to Jin’s apartment was in his wallet, in an extra case; just to make sure no one would ever find out he had one. It just had a small key chain, a charm from a shrine he and Jin went to for new years. Jin had bought it for Kazuya. It was a love charm.

Kazuya smiled at it now, its deep red colour, the character for Love written in gold.

It actually worked pretty well, he thought and opened the door with the key, noticing it was already unlocked.

He stepped in and while taking off his shoes, he set down the bags. “Jin, are you already back?”

The older one didn’t come to the door to greet him as usually, he just answered from the living room. “Yes.”

Kazuya frowned and took off his jacket, then he made his way with the bags to the living room. “I’m back”, he said and held the bags up. “I bought some things to cook. I’ll make some fried chicken for you!”

Jin threw him a look. “I already had some today.”

Only now, Kazuya noticed that Jin hadn’t really been doing something. There was no script he was reading, no book, the TV was switched off and not even music was playing; Jin had just sat there in silence.

“Are you okay?”

“Why? Is there anything wrong?” Jin gave him a questioning look.

Kazuya shook his head and managed a smile. “You never refuse fried chicken, that’s wrong.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

Making his way over to the kitchen, Kazuya shook his head. “I’ll make them anyways, they’d be wasted otherwise.”

“Please yourself”, Jin said and stayed in the living room for a little longer.

How could Kazuya act like that? Didn’t he have at least a bit of a bad conscience? What was he thinking?

Jin just got even angrier over it.

Kazuya acted as if nothing had happened.

He followed into the kitchen, saw Kazuya preparing the meat. “How was the filming?”

“Ah”, Kazuya said and shrugged his shoulders, giving Jin a quick glance. “I just sat there and looked nice. The usual.”

“They wanted you badly.”

“Eh?” Kazuya looked up now.

Jin shrugged his shoulders. “They refused when they told them I could do it.”

Frowning, Kazuya cut the meat into small pieces. “I thought they just asked me because I happened to be free. Really, anyone could have sat there.”

“Hm.” Jin rolled his shoulders. “However, you once again got it. Isn’t that great?”

Now, Kazuya stopped and looked at Jin. “What’s wrong now?”

“Nothing, it’s fine.”

Kazuya frowned and put the knife away. “Really, Jin. Are we on that again? You really can’t get over that.” Kazuya sighed. “Did you want me to say no, because you asked me to wait here for you?”

“You’ve said you wanted me to reject, as well.” Jin didn’t look at Kazuya.

“Oh, please, spare me!” Now, Kazuya felt slightly mad, as well. “I just sat in a live show about welfare, Jin; I didn’t strip off and got into bed with some pretty model.”

“Only that?”

Kazuya blinked. “I don’t get your problem, really.”

Jin wandered around the kitchen, opened the fridge to get a can of beer. “Didn’t you do anything else there today?”

“What are you talking about?”

Jin opened the can calmly, still not looking at Kazuya at all. “Well, while lunch, Ryo-chan got a call from Uchi.”

Glad, he had put the knife away earlier, Kazuya tried to stop his hands from automatically shaking. “Ah?” He tried to sound calm.

“Did you see him, too?”

Kazuya didn’t know what it was about. Did Jin know? How could he have found out? “Briefly.”

Jin took a huge sip from the can. “You didn’t talk to him?”

Kazuya turned to go on preparing the food. He didn’t want Jin to notice anything. “No. Why?”

Jin glared at the younger one’s back. All lies, he thought and it pierced his heart. Kazuya lied to him that frankly. “Ryo-chan said Uchi had a huge crush on you.”

That was it, Kazuya thought and his shoulders relaxed in relief. He turned to Jin and blinked. Jin was just jealous because someone else had fallen in love with Kazuya. He’d make sure Jin would know Kazuya was only his. “What?”

“He said, Uchi had a crush on you.”

Kazuya laughed slightly. “Does he? I’ve never noticed. I don’t think so.”

Watching Kazuya mixing a marinade for the chicken, Jin raised a brow. “He’s pretty sure. Uchi seemed quite desperate.”

“Well, if that’s true then next time I’ll see him, I’ll have to tell him that I’m happily in love and can’t answer to those feelings.” Kazuya tried to sound kinky about it, not concerned at all. He turned to Jin with a smile, a bowl in his hand, mixing the marinade.

Jin looked at him, tried to look behind the calm and lovely smile. It hurt, Kazuya took it that easy. “Or you could just kiss him again, because you’re not that happily in love as you claim to be.”

The bowl fell, the pottery broke into small pieces and red sauce sprinkled the floor.

Kazuya just stared at Jin.

“And then you can stay with him, the next time you see him”, Jin added and turned to leave the room.

Kazuya felt his breath stopping, to catch it was hard to do, his heart was pounding wildly and his hands were shaking badly now.

Then he managed to stumble forwards through the mess on the floor. He ignored it completely, followed Jin.

The older one stood at the huge window in his living room, obviously trying to gain his self-control and pull himself together.

“Jin…”

“I missed you, you’ve said”, Jin said, but didn’t turn. “How much did you think about me while you kissed Uchi?”

“It’s not like you think it was”, Kazuya said and he knew it was pathetic. Of course it was just the way Jin thought it was. He had kissed Uchi, had betrayed Jin’s feelings. It was that simple.

“What is it like then, Kazuya?” Jin turned now and looked at the younger one. “It’s only making a difference if you can look at me now, saying it was a lie and you never kissed him.”

Kazuya didn’t look up. He bit his lip.

“I knew it.” Jin looked at him. “Nothing can justify that, Kazuya. Not even the fact that we had a fight.”

Kazuya didn’t move, didn’t answer.

“Just because we fought I don’t stop loving you, Kazuya.” Jin wasn’t used to say what was on his mind, nor what was in his heart. But now, all these doubts and thoughts he had since Ryo had told him about it, spilled out of him. “Just because we’re having problems and weren’t agreeing on some things in our relationship I wouldn’t ever turn to someone else, as soon as you’re not there.”

“It wasn’t like that”, Kazuya said and raised his head now. He held back the tears; to cry would be unfair, Jin would go to his knees immediately. “I didn’t just take a chance because you weren’t there.”

“Then why did you do it?”

Kazuya bit his lip, shrugged his shoulders. “I was so mad at you and you didn’t call and I missed you so badly. I couldn’t sleep and I felt bad.” Everything came out of him now. All those reasons he had thought about for the past week to justify his actions. “I got drunk, and then I got even more sentimental and he was nice. He gave me those looks, other than you.”

“Other than me?” Jin raised a brow. “What looks?”

“Loving looks”, Kazuya whispered.

Jin remained silent. He couldn’t believe Kazuya said that. Then he managed a nod. “You thought I didn’t love you anymore.”

“Things have changed between us and I felt like you didn’t really love me anymore, so, somehow, he was that gentle and nice and reassuring. I could talk to him that easily.”

Jin closed his eyes, his expression pained. “You compared me.”

Kazuya wanted to deny it, but he couldn’t. He had compared them.

“You compared me and you made me lose. You doubted my feelings for you and kissed someone else.” Jin took a deep breath.

“You always just saw a rival in me lately”, Kazuya said and looked at Jin. “Not a lover. That hurt, Jin.”

“Thanks, the pay back was hurting enough.”

“I realized it was a mistake, as you…” Kazuya stopped, swallowed.

“What? When I what?” Jin wanted to know.

Truth, Kazuya thought, he had to tell the truth now. “You called during the kiss. I realized it was a mistake then and instantly felt bad.”

“That was a bit too late. You should have felt bad for even just thinking about it, Kazuya.”

The younger one looked at him with pleading eyes. “I know, Jin. I’m sorry.”

Jin gave him a cool look. “That doesn’t change it at all.” He turned his head. “You have guts, to come here after you kissed another man, telling me how much you missed me.”

“What I said then was true, Jin. I missed you; I wanted to be with you.”

“You just wanted to salve your conscience.”

Kazuya bit his lip again, so hard it hurt. He didn’t know how to get out of this, how to calm Jin, reassure him that it had meant nothing. “That’s not true.”

The older one snorted. “You betrayed me, broke my trust in you and lied to me, Kazuya. Do you really think I still believe those words?”

His eyes big, Kazuya made a step towards Jin. “Don’t say that. Don’t do that, Jin.”

“I don’t think, I can stay with you like this”, Jin just whispered, still not looking at Kazuya. “I can’t trust you anymore.”

Kazuya shook his head, closed the distance between them and as he gripped Jin’s hands they were just as cold as his own. “Jin, don’t. That’s not what you want. You love me.”

“I’ve probably seen you as a rival, Kazuya, you’re right with that”, Jin just said and let Kazuya hold his hands. “I’ve probably done that. I saw you as a friend for a long time and we’ve always been friends.”

Kazuya just silently shook his head.

“But first and foremost I always saw you as my lover, as the one I love and want to protect and the one I want to make happy.” Jin swallowed thickly, withdrawing his hands from Kazuya. “I don’t see that person anymore.”

Staring at him, Kazuya chocked, a sob escaped his throat and he lowered his head. “Don’t do that”, he only managed to repeat.

Jin looked at him, fought the urge to embrace him. Kazuya’s tears could make him weak, but he had to resist now. “I’ll leave you some minutes, but leave when you pulled yourself together again. I don’t want you here anymore.”

“Jin, stop joking”, Kazuya said, wiping tears from his cheeks. “You know I love you.”

Jin took a step back. “Apparently you don’t love me all that much, Kazuya, if you forget about me that easily.”

Having heard those words before, Kazuya could just stare at Jin, as he turned and got over to his bed room, locking the door behind him.

Kazuya remained like that for a while, stared at the door, tears streaming down his face, then he got to his knees and cried, sobs filling the silence of the room.

But Jin didn’t come back to hold him and dry his tears.



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Thank you very much for reading. I hope all hearts are still in one piece? I'm sorry v.v

Again, I never manage to post to the communities right after I posted here, so for quicker updates, feel free to add this journal. 


Traces 
11th-Oct-2009 02:52 am (UTC)
oh, no no no no no no ... No, my heart isn't in one piece anymore :( *almost crying*
I expected it really. It was obvious, since Jin told he'll be with Ryo, but I don't want it :'(
Demo... You know it was a perfect chapter. Jin is like this.. to me at least... If Kazuya did this than he won't forget so easily. Jin is like this :'''(( Stubborn, and cold. I almost cried out when Ryo's mobile was ringing... And after that when he told it to Jin I repeated no no no no Ryo, don't do this...
Poor Kazu, it was just a moment but he'll pay a really big price.

I'm waiting for the next chp but they won't be happy at that, will they? *sad smile*

thanks dear!
11th-Oct-2009 02:53 am (UTC)
ah, first *smiling better now*
11th-Oct-2009 04:52 am (UTC)
I am torn about commenting because I want to say two different things, and one of them is purely selfish!

So, the "good/unselfish/actually worthwhile comment" first. beautiful, gorgeous, lyrical writing, which encapsulates the emotions that they are going through. You have captured the multi-dimensional reality of their relationship, the fact that they are lovers, and work colleagues, friends and rivals. You have shown how and why they are together, and how they could have gotten to this point as well. It's structurally and thematically gorgeous, and I love reading your fics because you write so well.

And now the "bad/selfish/seriously not trying to tell you what to write, but this may sound like it but I really do not mean it that way, instead I am trying to say why I am going to break from reading and commenting...." This fic is fabulous and deserves comments, and as you can tell I am not averse to giving them :) So, I don't want to read this and not comment on it...but I am at that stage of the year for work where I am in need of the happy fics and the not quite so must fraught with angst. Because of the strength and connectedness with which you write your fics, what happens in them matters, and what the character in them say and do matter and have effect later, and you do not write things "cos that's how it has to end up" or "that's the way things usually end." And...as I can't tell if this is going to be a happy ending or not, because the characters themselves cannot tell if there is going to be a happy ending or not, I am torn about continuing. (and that was not a begging asking for a spoiler about future chapters either.) I am trying to say, quite inarticulately: You write so good, I don't know what will happen, and I am not sure I can cope with a tear jerker. *BUT* I am not saying you should not write a tear jerker if that is where the muse leads you. I am just saying that I think this story is beautifully written, with great characterisation and believable narrative structure, and I will come back to reading more of it in a few weeks, when I have more time, and less stress and more reserves to deal with really really really well written angst and tragedy and what not without taking it a bit too much on board.

Oops long comment is long, sorry. :)
14th-Oct-2009 11:19 pm (UTC)
Wow, what a lovely comment. I remeber you giving me a lovely comment like this one for FitB already. *smile* Thanks a lot!

Actually, I won't give away any spoilers, but since you've read FitB already, i guess you can count on a lot of angst for this, too. It's probably just what I am like. I'm sorry for that, but I can't help it. It's so much easier to write fluff for other pairings, but angst is the best for Akame ^^; I'm so sorry I can't give you the fluff you'd deserve to get distracted from all your work~ v.v

I hope you will still like what you read when you'll be coming abck in a few weeks. I will try my best, but I can't promise that it will be better then. I can only say over and over again, that I myself hate angst without happy endings.

Thank you so very much for all your lovely compliments on my writing. That really makes me feel happy and encourages me a lot to go on writing, I am glad you like it!

have some good days, I hope work won't be so stressful on you! :)

(PS: Posting with a Tego to your Massu ^.~)
11th-Oct-2009 08:06 am (UTC)
ahhh ..Kazu ..he did a mistake now he is sufeering from it.he broke Jin's trust although they still love each other ...Make smth gain JİN's heart and trust,Kazu!!
14th-Oct-2009 11:20 pm (UTC)
He'll try hard v.v
Thanks so much for reading, I am glad you like it ;)
11th-Oct-2009 08:29 am (UTC)
i'm tearing as i write my comments. i loved what jin said about still loving kame despite the fights they have had and seeing kame as his lover first and foremost.

i'm waiting for the next update. what is going to happen to their relationship. i can only hold on to the hope that they belong together and to no one else.

thank you for the update.
11th-Oct-2009 08:43 am (UTC)
ok, i just had to post more comments. sorry about this.

i think the fact that the whole confrontation took place without shouting or screaming on jin's part scares me. it feels so decidedly empty and cold. like someone had ripped out his heart and he cannot feel anything (this is just my opinion). it is this that scares me because will jin work the hurt and pain out of his system and find it in himself to forgive kame? *cries*
11th-Oct-2009 09:57 am (UTC)
noo... this is so sad...T_T
jin please don't be mad at kazu... and kazu don't kiss people without thinking about what will happen next...
this chapter was really heartbreaking but yet so well written and amazing, I love your writing, so much feelings, it feels so real.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter , hope they will make up then ^^

thank you for this <3
14th-Oct-2009 11:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for your kind words ^___^ I'm happy for how you can feel with them!
11th-Oct-2009 09:58 am (UTC)
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my heart is seriously breaking with their stupidness.
and mind you, i love ryo-chan, but right now that little teeny tiny person destroyed everything. though, i know, it would have happened later on if he hadn't told jin.

why can't you ever write just plain fluff????? you're so good at that too and i don't wanna cry!!!!!

&hearts
14th-Oct-2009 11:26 pm (UTC)
Haha, yeah, Ryo isn't that popular among my readers right now XD I like him a lot, too, but after this I really was like "Why are you like this, Ryo-chan???", too v.v

I love fluff, but Akame suits Angst so much.. I'll write some Tegomass fluff again to compensate for this. I need it, just as much v.v


<333
11th-Oct-2009 10:20 am (UTC)
Bouhouhou...UU ! Poor Kame !! that's sooo hard for both of them ! I can understand kame and jin at the same time ! But, Kame is so much lost and this stupid Ryo who's talking too much >< ! Yaa, I always love to see that you post a new chapter ! Looking forward the following chapter !!! chu~~
14th-Oct-2009 11:27 pm (UTC)
kame made a mistake and well... he pays a lot for it now v.v But things will turn sooner or later, that's for sure ^^

Thank you so very much for reading!
11th-Oct-2009 11:03 am (UTC)
My heart is in pieces!!! Uwaaaaaaa~ One wrong move by Kazuya resulted in this!!! T_T
But in a way, Jin was to blame too.. The image of Kazuya breaking down in the living room is very heart shattering... They're both very hurt I guess.

Thanx for sharing~
14th-Oct-2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry v.v I didn't mean to. I promise to fix this at one point! Really.
And you're right, they are both hurt.. ~

Thanks a lot for reading :)
11th-Oct-2009 12:20 pm (UTC)
ah gawd damn damn damn damn damn damn damn what will happen to kame arrrgh kame :((
14th-Oct-2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
The next chapter is already up, so you can find it out now :)
Thanks for reading ^_^
11th-Oct-2009 12:20 pm (UTC)
Awwwww I feel sad for both of them because they both love each other but still one is strong to hold himself while the other isn't.

Me wanting moooaarrrrr ~
14th-Oct-2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for reading. I feel so bad for both of them as well. They suffer so much v.v

More is already up :)
11th-Oct-2009 12:38 pm (UTC)
Oh god!!!!
That was so awesome~
I'm getting needy *__*
I love this fic *___* <3
It's absolutely lovely~
Gimme more? Soon? *pleads*
14th-Oct-2009 11:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much, I am happy you love it ♥

More is up by now :)
11th-Oct-2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
This was coming.
I just feel Uchi is just a catalyst to show Akame the cracks in their relationship.

Poor Kame pays a heavy price for that one moment of being loved.

Jin ia also too much. He has been jealous of Kame that perhaps all this anger he is showing Kame is partly also his feelings of rivalry besides the feelings of betrayal.

I cannot wait to read the next chapter and see what happens.
14th-Oct-2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
It was. It had to.
And you're completely right with Uchi.

That#s true, that's why I brought it up so often before this. Somewhere deep within him, Jin can't take Kazuya being better than him, so this is adding to his anger of being betrayed.

Thanks so much :)
11th-Oct-2009 12:42 pm (UTC)
no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it broke my heart....

i'll wait for the next chapter now....(i really do wonder what kind of ending this fic will have)

thnx for the update!!!*adding this journal so i won't miss the next one*
14th-Oct-2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I'm not sure yet of the ending, since it#s still too far away; there's so much else to come and happen first before this can end :)

I'll add you back as soon as possible <333
11th-Oct-2009 02:14 pm (UTC)
i apologize for not commenting before, but i'm generally not big on it since i tend to analyze more so than simply respond. but this chapter has moved me to type. so here i go. i understand completely that jin is hurt, but i really don't agree with his self-righteous response to kame's "infidelity",which while human and accurately portrayed by u, is hella annoying. both jin and kame are insecure, but they deal with it in different ways. jin through a pointless competition that puts a strain on his lover and kame through mental lapses in judgment. jin thinks his way of dealing is better because he technically never strays, but he emotionally abuses kame in a way that makes him more likely to seek affection elsewhere putting a greater burden on kame to maintain their relationship. so now that kame's messed up, jin wants to play the complete victim, when they are still in this together. kame, just like any other human, is not strong enough to deal with his own insecurities and his lovers all at once all the time, so he failed once. he lied to try to spare jin's feelings and of course keep their relationship, because keeping something like that on your heart never salves your conscience. it would have worked if he could control uchi's mouth, but things always have a way of coming out. i don't think he should have told jin in the beginning, but once it was out, he should have jumped right to the truth. he messed up, but making mistakes is how we get through life, and i look forward to the two of them growing together, so i will definitely keep on reading!!!! but i am concerned jin will play the "how could he?" card for a while and irk my nerves. will he?
14th-Oct-2009 11:38 pm (UTC)
Oh, it makes me feel honoured you typed a comment for me.
And I actually like this one a lot. I like how you analyze the chapter and their minds and feelings. Since you're completely right with what you're saying :)
Jin won't get off of that card for a while. he definitely is hurt and the jealousy of Kame being better than he is for so often just adds up to that. He feels like he has lost; not only his trust in Kazuya, but also his pride.
So, he will keep refusing kazuya for a little longer.

I guess, kazuya will turn out different from what has been expected, though. You're right with what you've said, but in this, kame is definitely the one who can't let go at all (other than in my previous fanfiction I wrote with this pairing ^^). He's kind of... obsessed with Jin what leads him to actions he'd never did without having broken up with Jin.


Thank you so very much for leacving a comment, even though you don't usually like type them. I'm happy you read and like my fanfiction :)
11th-Oct-2009 02:43 pm (UTC)
NOOO!! Please Jin don't leave Kazu!!
Omg, this chapter just broke my heart but in a great way. I so wanted Kazu to be the one telling Jin about that kiss, but Ryo beat him to it.

I feel so bad that this happened and hopefully, Jin will clear his head and know that Kazu is the only one for him and the same for Kazu.

I can't wait to read the next chapter, but please bring them back together!

Thanks a lot for this awesome update!! *hugs*

*gives u cupcake as a bribe to fix things between akame*
14th-Oct-2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
oooh~ *snuggles* Thanks so much. It's odd to read I've broken a heart in a great way *laugh* I hope it'll be fixed, though ^^

*takes the cupcake and shares it with you*
I'm sorry I couldn't be bribed for the following chapter but this will definitely work for the whole. Promise <3
(Deleted comment)
14th-Oct-2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
O.o I am so sorry!!!!!
*bows*
*gives you cookies to make you happy again*
11th-Oct-2009 03:10 pm (UTC)
T___________________T

its terrible.
imfeeling terrible from migraine and now this heartbreaking scenario that you wrote...
T.T


i wanna cry some more...
T_________T

but really, i think jin sees kazu, apart from his lover, as his rival and the uchi incident just turned things worse.

im so sad...

but i ♥ update.
14th-Oct-2009 11:42 pm (UTC)
Oh God, I am sorry for making your condition even worse T_T

I hope you're already better by now.
Thanks so very much for reading, even though it made you so sad v_v
11th-Oct-2009 03:15 pm (UTC)
just when i want to comment the previous chapter, you updated!
*happy*
i'll read later coz it's already my bed time =)
14th-Oct-2009 11:42 pm (UTC)
Aw~ I hope you slept well and liked the chap :)
11th-Oct-2009 06:42 pm (UTC)
The ending brings tears to my eyes T___T
I always believe there are no secrets in this world and what we are try to hiding is always sth that hurts.

I'm wondering what's Kame's "Like" to Uchi? hmm...
Thanks for the good story. Waiting for next update ^^

p.s. May i have a knife to kill Ryo? YOU big mouth xDDD
14th-Oct-2009 11:44 pm (UTC)
Hm, that's nice. It's probably like that, ne v.v It's sad, though.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting ^^ I'm glad you can feel with them and like it!


PS: We do love Ryo-chan a lot ♥
11th-Oct-2009 08:42 pm (UTC)
poor kame huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu T_T jin u idiot....he doesnt see it didnt he *sigh*
14th-Oct-2009 11:45 pm (UTC)
He didn't; he's probably too hurting v.v

Thank you for reading <3
12th-Oct-2009 12:13 am (UTC)
No...my heart is in a million pieces...

And somehow that just makes me all the more excited for the coming chapters...cuz I knpw this emotion ride will be one hell of a roller coaster
14th-Oct-2009 11:46 pm (UTC)
It will probably be like that, you're right v.v I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I hope at some point in this story it'll be fixed again!!
Thank you so very much for reading! ^^
12th-Oct-2009 01:16 am (UTC)
No my heart is not in one piece anymore! Ah, this chapter was so sad. The second kame kissed uchi, he should of told Jin. keeping in lies and not telling your partner the truth right from the start is an act of betrayal and i fully agree with Jin in his decision to not trust kame anymore. But knowing kame regretted it and knowing he has no feelings for Uchi, kame you shoulda just told Jin the truth damnit! It would have turned out ok if it kame from your mouth and not someone else's. This is the longest comment i ever made and that's because so many emotions ran through when i read this. That just goes to show how great a writer you are. I shall wait patiently for the next chapter. if i don't rip out my hair first lol
14th-Oct-2009 11:48 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry!!

You're right with that. Keeping it a secret was probably wrong, but still, Kazuya thought it hadn't meant anything, so hurting Jin with telling him about it would have been pointless.

It honours me a lot I've gotten the longest comment you've ever written ♥ Thank you so much!!!!
12th-Oct-2009 03:57 am (UTC)
you just tore my heart into two pieces, one for Jin and one for Kazuya. arghhh you are totally killing me with your suspense. your writing style is also so emotion evoking, that it feels like im on a high during the happy moments but it hurts to read such angsty moments.
wahhh, i shall wait for your next update, which i hope will be soon, to soothe my troubled heart. -3-
14th-Oct-2009 11:49 pm (UTC)
Sorry, but actually, that's what I've wanted ;) I am happy you can feel with both of them!
Thank you so very much for your kind words and for reading! ^^
12th-Oct-2009 08:22 am (UTC)
T_____T angst!!!!!!! :) loving it!!!!!!!! cn't wait for the next chapter :) to gain someone's trust is never so easy..i somehow cn't choose sides....
14th-Oct-2009 11:50 pm (UTC)
I am glad you can't chose :) That's what I've wanted; that you can feel with both of them.
I am glad you like it! ^^ Thank you so much! <333
11th-Feb-2010 05:34 am (UTC)
Oh no, this is really sad. almost made me cry =(
Poor Jin and Kame. They are both suffering =(
I hope things will get better between them =X

Moving on to the next chap now,
Thanks for writing =)
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